Nine FBI-Tested Hostage Negotiation Skills You Can Use To Mitigate Holiday Family Conflict
The holidays are a time of joy, togetherness and happy family gatherings filled with laughter and hugs . . . if you live in a Norman Rockwell painting. For many of us, even the most tightly knit families can experience stress and conflict during the all-important family gatherings that accompany this time of year. Especially after a 2020 in which many of us were unable to gather, and political and social conflict invaded nearly every conversation, 2021 holidays might fill some of us with apprehension.
But there are things we can do to mitigate familial conflict and ensure a more harmonious family gathering. Ancient wisdom around compassion and connection, along with research-backed crisis negotiation practices, can do more than create secure, thriving - even grateful families. My years as a crisis negotiator have taught me a few lessons that my wife and I work to incorporate into our own large family events.
A motivated and prepared person with a good plan and a few trusted teammates is often all it takes to carry the day.
1. Think of Yourself: It might be odd to think of Thanksgiving as a day everyone shows up at your home as centering around you. But if you’re not stressed, you can deal with others better. The one thing we always have control of if we plan and prepare is ourselves. Think of the simple common refrain used by the flight crew for emergencies – put on your own oxygen mask first before helping others.
2. Define Your Why: Find your purpose and align it with a mission to serve. There is enough obligation and pressure we have on ourselves, particularly in a “post” COVID world. Reframing your expectations and preparation in terms of gratitude requires some time to consider what you’re grateful for and how you want to demonstrate and serve something bigger than yourself – e.g., “tradition, connection,” “the kids and grandparents”…. Define your “why” and make it a mantra.
3. Show up ready. Conflict resolution is not a hero’s game, it’s a team sport that starts with oneself. Get sleep. Keep your exercise routine intact. A lot can be accomplished by “pre-briefing” with trusted family members before a gathering. Consider what you personally need to bring your best self to the event. It’s no secret that sleep, exercise, meditation and slowing down are the cornerstones of a healthy mind and body. The pace of the holidays can already have folks stressed out before they even walk in your door. They need you to be your best and set the example for a calm, fun day.
4. Rely on your team: No one can do it alone. Build an ally with a trusted family member – your spouse, sibling or best friend -- before the event starts and spend time in the weeks leading up to it sharing your vision, asking his/her opinions. Particularly if there are expected issues (such as an uncle who inevitably will drink too much), plan for how to counteract those concerns before they happen (get food into the uncle early and often, water down his drink a bit, etc.).
5. Manage the crowd: Fifteen people showing up at your door on Thanksgiving Day at the exact same time is the equivalent of an entire bus load of tourists filing into a Cracker Barrell all at once. Everyone is overwhelmed, hungry and stressed so nothing goes smoothly. Consider staggering the times you invite people over, to spread out the entrances. If your brother and his brood were up very late last night, they might not be the best crew to invite over at 9 a.m. Give them time to rest up. Take a break in meal prep to engage your guest with your undivided attention on arrival, brief them on the plan and invite their help on something substantive and specific you would like them to do such as slice the turkey or give a toast.
6. Build in breaks: Is your family a “party crowd” or early-to-bed folks? If you’re up late the night before drinking and playing card games until 1 a.m., planning a 2 p.m. giant meal that takes hours to prepare isn’t the best idea for you or your guests. Give people time to rest up and have a late dinner instead. And don’t forget you need a rest break too. Go to bed early and take moments alone. If the host or hostess is famished and exhausted, no one wins.
7. Hand Out Assignments: Give different people very specifically assigned roles. Everyone has different skill sets and people should be used for their strengths. Ask individuals to handle many of the things that are usually on the hostess’s list such as setting the table or cooking a side dish. Consider even assigning someone to occasionally check on the family members who may need a little more attention, or get stressed in social situations, such as a grandparent or a toddler.
8. Have Energy Outlets Ready: When one enters a hostage negotiation site, there is an overwhelming amount of nervous energy in the air. People need a way to burn that energy off and sitting in front of the TV isn’t the answer. Make plans for certain people to do activities, in small groups. Identify places they can go, such as a playground, bowling alley or state park. If outdoor activities aren’t the answer, plan board games or crafts in which multiple generations can participate. Preplanning creates the venues where there can be just silliness, or energy expended.
9. Expect the Unexpected: In every situation the unexpected is expected to happen. If that happens during your family gathering, allow yourself to focus on the positive. As example, if your 19 year old niece surprises everyone by showing up with her 56 year old fiancé, that moment is not the time to panic. Buy yourself and the others in your home time to focus on it later, when it’s more suitable for less emotional engagement. Think about how you can support the other person in that moment, even if it’s a simple “what a surprise! I’d like to hear about how you both met after dinner.” That sends the signal to everyone to back off for now. A crisis is not the time or place to change minds. Listening costs us nothing – it’s what we give away in hostage negotiations freely. Acknowledge controversies and suggest one-on-one time post-event. A sincere acknowledgement that whatever someone is ranting about is important to them and that you’d like to understand more about their perspective over coffee next week is often enough to move back to shared memories.
If you do everything right and things still start to go wrong sometimes all you can do is acknowledge the elephant in the room. Don’t hide from the conflict, recognize it’s there. But at the same time, verbally remind everyone you’ve invited into your home that what’s important is that we’re able to finally be together this year. And that even in stressful situations, families bond closer together.